Last month (July 27) I turned 23 years old. And before you say or think anything, I know it’s still considered “young” but to me, I’m officially old, to me, this is where adulthood beginning. This past month I have struggled with myself and the life that I am leading, not because I am unhappy with it, but because I am questioning if this is it. If this is how I am expected to live my life for the next 60+ years. In my well crafted and incredibly lazy routine of working → bumming at Home → sleeping. I become someone that only lives for weekends and dreads every other day of the week.
It’s been hard to express this feeling / state of mind to my loved ones & friends because at first look many would say I have a “good” life, that thus far, I am on the right path. I graduated last year at the age of 21, without any student debt (yes, I did pay for school completely on my own), I did a 6-week stint through Europe with possibly the best boyfriend ever, I am coming up on my 1 year anniversary at my full-time marketing job (the field I studied in), and have a wonderful family. Yet I still feel so so lost.
There’s a ton I want to do with my life, a ton of passion projects I want to do, a ton of places I want to explore, and yet I have no motivation to pursue these passions. These past few months I have not wanted to do anything more than lay in my bed and go on my phone. I haven’t started the 10+ projects I wanted to do. I have done nothing more than sulk in my own self-created misery, don’t worry, I hate the type of person I have become too. I hate that I haven’t done anything about it but complain to myself, because I hate that type of person, the person that complains and does nothing to change, the person that sits there and talks about all they’re problems and yet continues to sit there.
So how did I let myself get so far into a funk and become that person? I have avoided the issues I was having, I would turn a blind eye and make excuses for myself because it was so much easier than facing reality. I lost myself in fiction books, daydreams, and routine, telling myself that despite how I felt I had every reason not to change because I have worked so hard to get to where I am.
So today, this week, I am starting a change, small changes that will hopefully lead to bigger and better results. I use to write to-do list a mile long with promises to myself to complete but only to break them the next day. Then since I broke the first promise I would want a fresh start, I would tell myself, “next week, Ill start next week”, but next week turned into next month and next month turned to the next and now I am here.
This month (the rest of this month anyway) the small changes I am committing to are:
for someone that doesn’t do much in the evening my sleeping patterns are beyond terrible, I used to be able to get up at 6am without a second thought lately, I would be lucky if I made it out of bed by 7:45am to get to work. And even though I sleep in later, I am still so tired for the next day and then the pattern continues and soon enough I am spiralling out of control and too lazy and tired to do anything come 5pm.
2. Working out:
I have never thought I need to change my body, to me my flaws were what they were and I really couldn’t do anything to change them so I learned to accept and deal with them. But over the past few years, I have gained probably about 25 pounds, and although I know its been gradual (over the past four years) I seems like it just hit me all at once, and lately I have never been so much more aware as to how much “bigger” I look. I think this has really added on to my issue because I haven’t been comfortable in my own skin in a long time.
when I come up with an idea, I make promises to myself to immediately start working on it, I write out a plan then a to-do list, but when it comes time to do it, I postpone it until I feel so behind and leaving me to feel completely overwhelm and unmotivated to continue. So from now on, I am to try to focus on one project at once, giving myself a two week timeframe on each project.
This is a long post, one of the longest I have probably ever written. You can get used to seeing more of these type of post because of welcome to my journey of adulthood.